My Testimony

My Testimony ( just to warn you, this is pretty long... )

On October 11, 1998, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. My life has in no way been the same since. I have been continually challenged, as well as blessed since that night.

I believe with all my heart that God had been preparing me for that night my whole life. I put myself in some situations that only God's hand of protection could have been why I "escaped" unharmed. I did a lot of stupid things in my past and, praise God, He had bigger and better plans for me even though I didn't know it at the time.

Although at times I feel as if I've been stagnant, when I look back at the person I was when I first moved to Albany in March of 1998 and compare myself to who I am today, I am astonished at how much I've changed for the better. Sometimes it takes a drastic life-change for you to be able to see yourself more clearly. I know that was the case with me! I've had more than one and I guess I finally saw what God had been trying to show me about myself and others.

I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church. My mother is Catholic and my dad is Baptist, but they were never very active in either of their churches.

I have pictures to testify that I was baptized as an infant and a little plaque to show that I received my First Communion... but what do they mean? I've never quite figured that out... I guess that was why I always found myself wondering where the heck I was going and who God was... Why did Jesus have to die and what did it mean to me...

My adult life was filled with a sneaking suspicion that something was missing and that it had to do with God, or religion... something! I tried to fill the emptiness that I had inside of me with people and things, but while I was happy for a time, I always ended up depressed and dissatisfied again.

Growing up was a time of great confusion for me and it showed in the decisions I made for myself. I began to live a life geared solely for my own gratification at the age of fourteen.

My freshman year of high school was the beginning of my downfall. I began to experiment with illegal substances (like drugs and alcohol), but thankfully, I wasn't permanently harmed by anything. Although I do live with many regrets for my short-sighted stupidity and irresponsibility.

I was one of those kids that fit into just about any group at school without ever really belonging to any one of them. I think a lot of that had to do with low self-esteem and no known strengths that I could really focus on at the time.

Looking back, I see how destructive my behavior was and how my own mind worked against me. I allowed others to take advantage of me so that they would like me. I allowed myself to be used and treated poorly so that people would want to hang around me and/or date me.

I graduated from high school by going to summer school. I could have graduated with my class, but I needed to pass my math class (which was geometry - a class I was NEVER able to pass) and to pass it, the teacher would have had to "give" me about a point-in-a-half to two points for me to pass. Unfortunately, the geometry teacher I had felt that it was her duty to "teach me one of life's lessons early" so that I'd be prepared for the "real" world.

Needless to say, I failed geometry and had to accept that I would never be able to graduate with my friends. I was devastated and I sometimes still have trouble coping with the innocence I lost that day. You see, no matter what I did, or had done, there was an innocence about me that I still catch glimpses of even today.

After my family and I moved back to Plattsburgh, I tried college and failed miserably. I passed three out of five courses because I was partying seven nights a week the entire semester.

It was shortly after the semester ended that I met (my now ex-) husband. He and I dated for a year and were engaged for six months before we were married.

All the signs were there that we weren't right for each other, but I was only eighteen when we met and barely twenty when we got married... He was only 24 and convinced that he'd be able to change me into the woman he wanted. I almost think that I was convinced of that, too, and that that was what I wanted.

Despite the many obvious signs to those around us and to ourselves, we still went ahead with the wedding. How's that for being self-destructive? Inevitably, we separated in 1994.

A major incident in my life happened in 1997 when my (now ex-) fiancé just walked out on me without any warning.

Now this in itself doesn't sound too terrible; however, we were living in Idaho at the time and the nearest friend or family member was four hours away. I had about $2.00 to my name, less than a quarter of a tank of gas, and no phone.

I stayed up all night crying. I didn't know it at the time, but I was a sick girl and incapable of rationally dealing with my grief. Needless to say, I was devastated.

Three days after he walked out on me, I spent a week with my best friend, Jodi, and her mom (they were the only friends I had that were four hours away). They showered me with love and lots of encouragement that I was going to be okay. I will never be able to thank them enough. They helped save my life and in many ways, I owe them my life.

After the week at Jodi's, I flew back home to Plattsburgh. The same week I got back, my mom had already made an appointment with the local mental health clinic to try and get my head straight and my insides balanced.

About a month and a half after I arrived back in Plattsburgh, I was diagnosed with severe depression and soon learned that I had been suffering from it for many, many years. I just hadn't known it.

I began going to counseling and taking an antidepressant. While they both helped some, I was still crying every day and my entire schedule was backwards. I was asleep when everyone else was awake, and I was awake all night while everyone else was sleeping.

It took Jodi (my best friend out in Idaho, remember?) giving me a verbal kick in the butt to get me onto the road to true recovery. She (without her realizing it) allowed herself to be used by God to put me where He wanted me. She played a big part in why I'm now living in Albany and living a full life.

After the phone call from Jodi, I updated my resume and began to look for jobs on the Internet. I had my mom send out like twenty faxes and within one week, I got a response from a temp. agency in Albany.

Exactly one week from when I went down for an interview with the temp. agency, I landed the job that I am still at today. Pretty awesome stuff, huh...

To begin bringing my story to the present, I was diagnosed with Type I (or insulin-dependent) Diabetes in November of 1997. When it had seemed like things couldn't get any worse... things got worse.

Now, normal blood sugar runs between say 90 - 120. My blood sugar was 687... The nurses couldn't figure out how in the world I hadn't fallen into a coma because it was so high. Looking back, I can't figure it out either, but I will say that God, most assuredly had His hand of protection around me.

I've spent the last 2 1/2 years coming to terms with the fact that I have an illness that could one day blind me, maim me, or even kill me. To look at me, you wouldn't think that there was anything wrong with me that a diet wouldn't fix. But the reality of my life is that I survive each day that passes because I give myself shots of insulin.

To many of you, this might sound like a death sentence... or at least a real downer that might possibly consume your thoughts every day. Well, let me tell you, I get tired of always having to think about being a diabetic, but the truth is, I am a diabetic and all the grumbling that I could be doing won't help me... Living a healthy life is the only thing that will help me continue living "normally."

As I continue to mature in my faith, I am slowing beginning to learn that God is using my diabetes (a bad thing) for good. I am so much more aware of my health now and that awareness has caused me to eat better and watch out for myself no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

I have more compassion for those around me who aren't well, elderly, or handicapped in some way. I think I suffered from the impatience many of us have when it comes to having to wait for someone who may be elderly, or handicapped in some way who seems to be "taking their sweet time" going out a door, or driving in a car... It's not something I'm proud of, but I DO know that I'm moving beyond my past failures and moving forward into my new life which is in Christ Jesus.

As far as my decision to accept Christ is concerned, I will NEVER regret it. It has brought me a peace that I never knew before I was saved. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with all of the medical and dental problems I've had over the last couple of years without my prayer life, my steadfast faith, my family, and my church family.

I have been able to overcome life's difficulties with less stress than there would have been before I was saved. My past reactions to disappointment were depression and hoplessness. Today, thanks to the strength given to me by God, I am able to look disappointment square in the face, and, yes, I get depressed and feel like it's all hopeless sometimes... but only briefly... I am now capable of moving past my initial reactions more quickly and more positively because of my relationship with God and with His Son.

Knowing that I am in Christ has given me more patience than I ever knew before. I don't "flip out" at the first sign of a setback. Okay, so I'm still REALLY emotional, but I don't have the anger that I used to.

I don't claim to have a perfect life now that I'm saved. Actually, I've never claimed that in my entire life. What I do profess unashamedly is that my life has meaning where it once meant nothing... My days are lived for others instead of just for myself... I can see what's actually going on around me, which now includes the bad, as well as the good.

My acceptance into the family of God has opened my eyes and softened my heart. I am becoming the person I never dreamed I could be, and I thank God every day for His steadfast love.

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