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THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL - Every once in awhile, someone takes off on an old joke and turns it into an essay. This is an old story about the difference between a hymn and an anthem, that somebody has enlarged and changed to the difference between a hymn and a praise chorus. It comes from Glenn Witmer in Jerusalem.
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An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different.
If I were to say to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a hymn.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you: 'Martha Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,' then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus."
(Note: That could also describe an anthem.)
That exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small town church. When this young man came home his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns?" said his wife, "What are those?"
"Well it's like this - If I were to say to you 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a regular song.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you: 'Oh, Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth. Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of sense, Hearkenest they in God's sun or the rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight, Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed. Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by, Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn. Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'"
"Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists. The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
Author Unknown
Submitted by Crystal B for weeklymmr.com
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we'll talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the Bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Phil, Age 43 =)
How do you make an handkerchief dance?
You put a little boogie into it!
Nicholas, Daniel, and Luke
There once was this guy named Joe, and he was going to college to become a bird man. He studied really hard all night long for the final exam before he was to graduate. He studied every kind of bird that he could find.
The next day he walked into the testing room and saw a ton of birds lined up with sacks over their bodies and all you could see were their legs and feet. He had to reconize the birds by that! He got so fed up with it that he finally crumpled up his test.
As he walked out the door, he chucked the test at his teacher. The teacher yelled out, "Wait a minute, boy, what's your name?!" Joe pulled up his pant legs and yelled back, "You tell me!!!"
Jen, age 13
The Billfold Test
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurted out, "You'd be his wife!"
Phil, Age 43 (lol)